As the waves of memories and feelings are unleashed from the cage i left them in for a period of time. I find myself fighting the same war i have been fighting for years. Victory has always eluded me. It almost seems impossible to lock them back up again. Mostly because, i dont want to. Its easy to find someone to like, to have a crush on, an infactuation, to be interested in. And its hard to find someone to love, with all that you are, with all that you have, and with all that you can give. But i know, i have found that someone.

But Fighting this war has left me, exhausted, lost, and confused. Negative thoughts keep pacing through my already cramped brain. What's in her mind? Is it worth it? Will there be a repeat of history? Are some of the few questions i often find asking myself. Freezing at moments in time to ponder these, have always ended in a depressing "sigh".

Its a retorical question to ask whether one would choose "like" or "love". But with a higher degree of affection, comes either with Greater reward, or Devasting consequences.

After years of expressing it in almost every possible way, is there more i could do to win her over? Should i swim out to unchartered waters? Would things be better out there? Or should i continue wading around in my once beautiful, but now barren coral reef hoping it would spring back to life after putting in more conservatism effort.

One thing i do know is, Love is meant to be expressed, not held back. Although it almost certainly comes with a degree of consequence in one way or another, its the only way, one can ever find true "happiness" in Life.

All these commotion about wanting to get into a relationship has left me on a constant backslide over the past year or so. Maybe its because i've tried too hard to make things right on my own, taking things into my own hands, rather than entrusting it in the King of Kings.

Perhaps i'm supposed to learn a lesson from this.

When having already given her my best, my all.

I now know how you feel, when even though you Died on the cross, and expressed your Love to me in the greatest possible way. Yet I have still constantly strayed away and turned my back on you, Lord.

But this time, i'm not going to allow this to lead me astray and back to the old days again. Because i know the only way i'm ever gonna resolve this, is to bow my head, close my eyes, pray and Entrust my future and our's in your hands.














~letting go of me, letting go of her, and holding on to you.